"Survivor with Food" is not the show I was promised.

I had planned to write about "Around the World in 80 Plates", but after watching the first episode, there wasn't enough food. Clearly they're going to spend a bunch of time talking about whatever team drama, and how well people are copying other chefs in making regional food. I'll keep watching, but unless there's a big outcry, I'm not going to recap it. However, depending on the scheduling I am thinking about putting "Hell's Kitchen" back on the recap roster. At least they don't pretend to be anything but manipulative and pointless. Leave your thoughts in the comments if you have a strong opinion, and thanks for reading for so long.

I lied, I have a few thoughts:
-Jenna is super bossy. I'm going to be tired of her.
-How hilarious was the cheesemaker guy? He really got into it.
-I'm glad someone shut Keven up about the wine, but I just wish it hadn't been Nookie.
-I love that last week Chaz won just because he claimed to have the idea to make dessert, but this week he can't handle Avery winning for actually cooking the dish that got them the win.
-I wish Sai had made it to Asia. I'm not sure why they didn't get rid of Jenna when they had the chance. Also, the gloating is really obnoxious.

Around the World in 80 Plates 5/9/12--"London Calling" summary

Can Bravo successfully combine “Top Chef” and “Amazing Race”? Let’s hope so. Because that’s what everyone is expecting. (click for more)

Curtis Stone explains the show to us: there are teams, each week there is some type of small challenge (or “Quickfire”, if you will) and then the teams will take over a local restaurant to try to impress the locals. The losing team votes someone off. Winner gets $150,000 and an Infiniti. 

Chaz Brown, seems to be working in a Chinese restaurant. He is cocky. That should be a macro. “Chef is cocky”. He reads off of an email (I guess) that tells him he’s on the show and they’re going to London. Does Chaz look familiar? Do you remember a chef from “Top Chef: Texas” who made risotto but couldn’t get it on the plate in time and was therefore eliminated in the first episode? Thanks Hugh Acheson for that reminder! Gary Walker, who says he is like Mrs. Garrett. Sure thing. Sai Pituk, whose intro seems to be nothing but pin-up photos. She says nothing about food, just about how people want to sleep with her. Nookie Postal, who is the executive chef for the Red Sox. Awesome. His son tries to hide in his suitcase. He’s a smart ass, so I like him already. Liz Garrett, who is our self-taught chef (there has to be one, otherwise it’s not really a food reality show). She meets Nookie, who makes fun of how young she looks. Clara Moore, who is my hometown girl and has a great delicious restaurant. John Vermiglio, who works for Art Smith. Cheven Lee. Why is that his name? Because his name is Keven and apparently someone one time called him Cheven, instead of Chef Kevin. Ugh. I instinctively dislike him. Everyone arrives at Borough Market and meets Curtis and Cat Cora. She is tiny. Like Kristin Chenoweth sized.

So…they get to pick out their own teams? Really? Avery Pursell says she is at a disadvantage because she doesn’t know anyone. That seems a rash decision with far-reaching consequences. The official name of the Quickfire is called “The Course” which is supposed to let them learn about that country’s cuisine. If your team wins the Course, you get an “Exceptional Ingredient”, which is some advantage. The advantage works for the Takeover, which is when they work in the restaurant. Each team gets an envelope with the location for their first task.

The Course is a pub crawl. Three pubs, each location has a classic pub dish and drink they must order and consume. So…now I have to watch people eating? Some girl biffs it as they run off. Nookie’s team (Red team) takes a cab, while the Black team runs. Cheven runs off, possibly in the wrong direction. He interviews that he doesn’t really want to hear it if he’s wrong. They realize they’re lost. Sai then lets us know she’s been in the Army, so she takes the map and they figure out where to go. Jenna Johansen gets a generic interview as the Red team finds their first pub. They must order three plates of black pudding hash and one Pimm’s cocktail. Oo, Pimm’s. Good stuff. The black pudding comes with a fried egg and salad. It looks pretty good. Clara is worried about volume. The Black team stands in the street and argues. Avery bitches that she can read a map too. It looks like she doesn’t agree with their direction. Nick Lacasse has a random interview, and now I’ve forgotten who has been introduced already, so whatever. Red team sees them come in and laughs that they have money for a cab, so why run? True. Black team tries to both remember details about the dishes and shove food in their faces.

On to the next pub. Both teams are running now. At the next pub, they have options: three plates of steak and kidney pie, OR, drink three yards of beer. For some reason they are hesitant about the pie, because they say it will take a long time to come out of the kitchen. Someone asks for a cute British guy to hold the beer for them. Hee. Gary says since he used to work at a sorority house he has an advantage. The other team shows up and also orders beer. Avery says she wanted to taste steak and kidney pie, but now she has to do keg stands. Or something. She seems to be the complainer. Black team appears to spill beer on themselves a lot.

Nookie is lagging a little bit, but they make it. Curtis and Cat are waiting for them. The last pub says to eat fish and chips, and one pint of “Scrumpy”, which is cider. Black team shows up only three minutes later. Each person has their own plate of fish and chips, so it’s not going that quickly. Red team still wins though. Curtis tells them that the first two pubs are the pubs they’re taking over tomorrow. Each team will have 5 dishes to make: the three dishes they were supposed to eat today, and two of their own choice. Well, at least none of them had steak and kidney pie. The “Exceptional Ingredient” is that the Red team can use potatoes, while the Black team cannot. Oo. The locals will decide the winner. Losing team votes someone off the island. Everyone kind of freaks out that the judges aren’t deciding who goes home. 

OK, Curtis, we get that your show is sponsored by a credit card. Were you so desperate for money you needed to put that in the title?

Back at the hotel the teams come up with menus. Black team discusses polenta fries and Cheven wants to make dessert. As they are saying the other team wouldn’t do dessert, Jenna on the Red team is insisting they do one. Clara wants to make something vegetarian, as that is her wheelhouse.

In the morning, the teams divvy up shopping. Chaz says he is awesome at last-minute scrambles and covering of asses, such as, you have to make British food without potatoes. Someone on the Red team says they have enough lettuce for their salad. 

Sai is planning to do front of house, because her food is classic Asian. Chaz is expediting, so he can see how everyone works. Avery lets us know that she is making the steak and kidney pie, that no one has ever made or tasted before. Keven (I’m sorry, it’s hard enough to write Keven and not Kevin and the Cheven was killing me a little bit every time), anyway, Keven thinks he might be voted out because he’s so awesome. So at least one person here has seen Survivor. 

Nookie says that people are here to prove they’re the best chef, but this is about winning money. If he has to make a bad dish and be a character to win, then he’ll do it. I had to rewind that a bunch of times because “make a bad dish” was all sped up and spliced in. Nicole says she has to look out for herself. She does seem to be in her own universe, ignoring everyone else. 

Liz discovers the oven is not on. And the burners are weird too. Avery seems to be the only one who knows you have to light the burners and oven separately, with a lighter. Customers come in and they kind of sulk about the potatoes. Sai tells some guy that it’s healthier for him anyway because everyone has to lose weight, not because you need to, ha ha. Sigh. Curtis and Cat come in, with Nigella Lawson (hilariously, she just introduces herself as “Nigella” and Sai doesn’t realize who she is), and the owners of the pubs. Chaz is fully in charge of the kitchen. Keven complains he’s too loud. Liz and Avery: fish with polenta chips. Chaz and Keven: blood pudding. Almost exactly the same as the dish they had, with a fried egg and salad on the side. It’s salty, someone says, and someone else tells Sai the portions are a little too big. Avery: steak and kidney pie. It’s nice, but not really traditional. Nick: grilled halibut with creamed arugula. Tasty. Keven: bread pudding with mascarpone whip and red currants. Slightly dry. Nigella says that with some instruction, these chefs probably could handle working in a pub. Curtis announces to everyone it’s time to go to the other pub. Interesting, it’s the same crew of locals.

Commercial interlude: Chaz is the class clown. Various people are either highly entertained or really irritated. He spouts a bunch of British words in a broad accent. That’s embarrassing.

Red team is up now. Gary’s going to do front of house. Thankfully he recognizes Nigella on sight, before introductions. He babbles that they renamed the pub “British Love, American Pride”. Sigh. That is bad luck, apparently, aside from the fact that the owner is sitting right there. Clara: bubble and squeak. Some woman says it’s nice. Nookie: steak and kidney pie. He didn’t cut the kidneys very small, so there are large recognizable chunks. Oops. Nigella says this is what everyone THINKS British food is like. Not enough gravy. Jenna: fish and chips. Oooohhhhh…the chips are shoestring fries. They wrapped them in newspaper, but…shoestring fries. John: plowman’s sandwich, cheese, apple, bread. This seems to go over well. Nicole: black pudding hash. No dessert, which Nigella misses. Nigella seems to find locals that enjoyed the food here, and locals that enjoyed the food there. So of course we don’t know who is doing better. Nookie tells Clara that their two dishes were the worst. She thinks hers was worse, and Nookie immediately is pleased with himself for tricking her into admitting it. Everyone discusses who they want to vote for, and how they’re going to convince their team to vote with them, and this is why I don’t recap Survivor. It’s tedious to me.

Red team had great service, but diners didn’t like Nookie’s pie. Black team says Chaz was “vocal” when asked if there was a leader. Chaz also says he brought up dessert in the meeting, which I’m pretty sure was not the case. Black team wins, so it doesn’t matter anyway. It seems the dessert pushed them over the other team. Jenna is really irritated no one listened to her about that. Apparently Chaz was the most valuable chef. I don’t know what the point of that title is. Keven admits he should have spoken up when he got the chance, but then continues into blowhard threats about voting for Chaz when their team loses. Red team gets to go discuss before they cast votes. Cat tells them the pie and the black pudding were the least favorite, and the lack of dessert hurt them too.

Nookie admits his dish was bad, in an attempt to shove attention later onto someone else. Out of nowhere he names Clara, which appears at first like it will backfire. Diners ordered a lot of bubble and squeak, and no one said anything bad about it. Nookie insists his dish was harder, and she knows he’s throwing her under the bus. Jenna says Clara’s veg was overcooked, much as she jumped on Nookie when everyone was talking about his dish. It seems like is just willing to turn on whoever looks bad right now. Clara rightly points out her dish is not the reason they lost.

Everyone has to cast their votes in front of everyone else, which is nice. Gary: Nookie. Nicole: Clara. Clara: Nicole (huh?). Nookie: Clara. Jenna: Clara. Clara, why did you throw your vote away to Nicole?! You could have had a tie and then Jenna would be tiebreaker, and you would have had a 50/50 chance! Instead she clearly saw which way the wind was blowing and now you’re going home and who am I going to root for now? Boo. That’s the other reason I don’t recap Survivor. Now I’m agitated. Nookie pretends he’s sorry, that ass. I take back what I said before about how I liked him. She knows if she hadn’t admitted to Nookie she didn’t like her dish, she might still be around. See, and now Nookie thinks he’s going to win, even though he’s not the best chef. So this show isn’t really about food? I guess it didn’t pretend to be, but still. Now everyone is going to France. 

This season: running. A lot of running. Failing. Everyone wants to vote for the good people. No real good fights, though. I don’t know, maybe it’ll get better.

TAR20, Recap Leg 12, 5/6/12

Welcome to Leg 12! Last time, on Bring That Chicken Home! teams raced across Asia from India to Japan. There were Japanese game shows and Sushi Bingo. And Vanessa and Ralph were eliminated. Who will be eliminated. . . next? (click for more)

Arrival at the pit stop last episode:
1st – Rachel/Dave , Team Free Ron Again!
2nd – Art/JJ, Team Patrulla Fronteriza
3rd – Brendon/Rachel, Team Sparkles

Osaka Castle, Osaka, Japan

4:15 PM Rachel/Dave (1st)
Clue: Fly to your final destination city: Honolulu, Hawaii! Once there, find Mauka and Makai, the Twin Towers.

4:47 PM Art/JJ (2nd)
5:05 PM Brendon/Rachel (3rd)

Teams arrive at the airport in the following order:

1- Rachel/Dave
2- Art/JJ
3- Brendon/Rachel

There’s only one flight, so all teams get on it and take the Amazing Red Line to Honolulu. Teams arrive in the following order:

1- Rachel/Dave
2- Art/JJ
3- Brendon/Rachel

Teams actually have to figure out that Mauka and Makai are buildings, and Art and JJ seem to fail at this (Toyouke: “Well, you should figure out where you're going. Also, karma for bitching so much about Brendon and Rachel following you.”), so teams arrive at the towers in the following order:

1- Rachel/Dave
2- Brendon/Rachel
3- Art/JJ

Once teams arrive, they discover that they must use ascenders to climb to the top of the forty-five story tower and then spot their destination from above. Once they know where they are going, teams must do a face forward rappel to get down. Teams complete the tasks in the following order:

1- Rachel/Dave
2- Brendon/Rachel
3- Art/JJ

Teams are now making their way to their next destination, Sand Island. Teams arrive in the following order:

1- Rachel/Dave
2- Brendon/Rachel
3- Art/JJ

We then get the eleventh roadblock clue.

ROADBLOCK:

Who wants to shave ice?

In this roadblock, one team member must shave ice with a samurai sword and fill a bucket to a
specified line. Once complete, Hawaiian Actor Taylor Wily will give teams their next clue.

(Toyouke: “Shave ice? WTF final Roadblock is that!?”)

The following teammates take the Roadblock:

1- Dave
2- Brendon
3- JJ
After much ice shaving, teams complete the Roadblock in the following order:

1- Rachel/Dave
2- Brendon/Rachel
3- Art/JJ

Teams are now instructed to travel by foot to the outfield and find the helicopters that will take them to their next clue. Teams arrive at the helicopters in the following order:

1- Rachel/Dave
2- Art/JJ
3- Brendon/Rachel – who think they have to go to Aloha Stadium by taxi. I don’t know. (Toyouke: “ON FOOT. It is the LAST leg! Out of these three teams, that is the one that I would have expected to fuck that up.”)

Teams take their helicopters up the North Shore and arrive at their next clue in the following order:

1- Rachel/Dave
2- Art/JJ – (Toyouke: “I will grudgingly give a "woo" for the Magnum P.I. reference.”)
3- Brendon/Rachel

Teams are now instructed to perform a rescue mission. One team member drive a waverunner, while the other team member rides a board behind the waverunner to rescue someone from the ocean. Once the team returns with the person they rescued, they will get their next clue. Teams rescue survivors in the following order:

1- Rachel/Dave
2- Art/JJ
3- Brendon/Rachel

Teams are now instructed to make their way to the Coral Kingdom Gate of Hakipu’u Valley and follow the marked path to their clue. Teams arrive in the following order:

1- Art/JJ
2- Rachel/Dave – who, even though Hawaii is not a very big place, seem to make their way to the task at the END of the Coral Kingdom task, complete it, find the FINISH LINE, and Phil, and end up being told that they are not done, and have to backtrack to the task. Suspenseful no? (Toyouke: “They just put that there? No monitors or safety people? Written explanations that don't require any additional information? DESIGNED for a fuck-up just like this. OK, this HAS to go on the list of "Most Exciting Pit Stops Ever."  Especially because it's more exciting when everyone is all together like this.”)
3- Brendon/Rachel
We then get the twelfth roadblock clue.

ROADBLOCK:

Who wants to take a Papa Holua to an ‘Ulu Maika’?

In this roadblock, the team member that didn’t do the first Roadblock in the leg must slide 150 feet downhill on a Holua sled and then use an Ulu Maika to roll it fifty feet into a goal. Once complete, teams get their next clue.

(Toyouke: “This is a strange task. Where is my memory task?”)

The following teammates take the Roadblock, because they have to:

1- Art
2- Rachel B.
3- Rachel R.

After much sledding and throwing, teams complete the Roadblock in the following order:

1- Rachel/Dave
2- Art/JJ
3- Brendon/Rachel

Teams now make their way to the Paddleboard dock via the provided ATVs. Teams arrive in the following order:

1- Rachel/Dave
2- Art/JJ
3- Brendon/Rachel

Teams must now paddleboard across a lake without falling over. Teams complete the task in the following order:

1- Rachel/Dave
2- Art/JJ
3- Brendon/Rachel

Teams find now that they must travel to Secret Island, the FINISH LINE of The Amazing Race 20. The first team to arrive will be the winner!

1- Rachel/Dave
2- Art/JJ
3- Brendon/Rachel

Rachel and Dave, five continents, nine countries, 22 cities, 36000 miles, you are the winners of the Amazing Race 20, and holders of the new record for most legs won in a single race! Woo.

ORDER NOW:
1st – Rachel/Dave
2nd – Art/JJ
3rd – Brendon/Rachel
4th – Vanessa/Ralph
5th – Bopper/Mark
6th – Nary/Jamie
7th – Joey “Fitness”/Danny
8th – Kerri/Stacy
9th – Elliot/Andrew
10th – Dave/Cherie
11th – Misa/Maiya

Next time: TAR 21! See you then!

TAR20, Recap Leg 11, 5/6/12

Welcome to Leg 11! Last time, on I Paid $500 For These Extentions and You Want Me To Shave My Head?, teams raced through India. (Toyouke: “Previously, the stupid Big Brother team lasted longer than we thought, proving someone somewhere is laughing their ass off at our suffering.”) Team Kentucky couldn’t recover from their previous leg and were eliminated. Who will be eliminated. . . next? (click for more)

Arrival at the pit stop last episode:
1st – Rachel/Dave , Team Free Ron Again!
2nd – Brendon/Rachel, Team Sparkles
3rd – Vanessa/Ralph, The Dating Divorcees
4th – Art/JJ, Team Patrulla Fronteriza

Cheena Vala Fishing Nets, Vypin, India

1:51 PM Rachel/Dave (1st)
Clue: Fly 4000 miles to Hiroshima, Japan! Once there, make your way to Miyajima Island.

Dave: “We’re here to improve our relationship.” (Toyouke: “HAHAHA Dave, you are so full of shit. If your relationship was so important you wouldn't be such an asshat.”)

Brendon/Rachel (2nd)
Vanessa/Ralph (3rd)
Art/JJ (4th)
Teams make their way to a travel agent, where they find that the best flight is an 8:10 pm arrival in Hiroshima. So, all the teams make their way to the airport to jump on the Amazing Red Line to Hiroshima. Teams arrive in the following order:

1- Art/JJ
2- Vanessa/Ralph
3- Rachel/Dave
4- Brendon/Rachel

Teams get on a bus into town, but Brendon and Rachel miss the first bus. So, teams arrive at the subway station in the following order:

1- Brendon/Rachel
2- Vanessa/Ralph
3- Art/JJ
4- Rachel/Dave

Now it’s Rachel and Dave that miss the transport. (Toyouke: “This is a lot of different transportation methods all in a row.“) Teams arrive at the Miyajima Ferry Terminal in the following order:

1- Brendon/Rachel
2- Art/JJ
3- Vanessa/Ralph
4- Rachel/Dave

And Rachel and Dave miss the last ferry of the night. (Toyouke: “It's the last one of the day? And they let Dave and Rachel miss it? Wow. I can't believe they would let that happen.”) However, when they other teams arrive at Itsukushima Shrine, they find that they won’t get their clue until morning. (Toyouke: “Do you think that was the plan all along? Or maybe some PA whipped up a sign real quick?”) So, Rachel and Dave catch up. The sun rises, and teams get their next clue in the following order:

1- Rachel/Dave
2- Brendon/Rachel
3- Art/JJ
4- Vanessa/Ralph

Teams are now instructed to travel back to Hiroshima and find Peace Memorial Park to find the Atom Bomb Dome. Teams arrive in the following order:

1- Vanessa/Ralph
2- Rachel/Dave
3- Brendon/Rachel
4- Art/JJ

After the heartfelt reflection, teams are instructed to make their way to Osaka by Bullet Train and find the TV 8 Studio. Once there, teams would get their next clue. Teams all get on the same train and arrive in Osaka in the following order:

1- Art/JJ
2- Vanessa/Ralph
3- Rachel/Dave
4- Brendon/Rachel

Teams now travel to the TV 8 Studio and get their clue in the following order:

1- Art/JJ
2- Vanessa/Ralph
3- Brendon/Rachel
4- Rachel/Dave

We then get the tenth roadblock clue.

ROADBLOCK:

Who wants to bring home the chicken?

In this roadblock, one team member must compete in a Japanese Game Show called “Bring That Chicken Home!” They must run on a conveyor belt and jump to get three rubber chickens and make their way to the finish line to get their clue from the host. Brendon and Vanessa must complete the task, if they attempt it.

(Toyouke: “Is that the same guy from Wasabi Roll?”)

The following teammates take the Roadblock:

1- Art
2- Vanessa – who is hurting pretty bad from her ankle roll in India. Ralph: “Just take the penalty!” (Toyouke: “Aww, Ralph. That's why I am rooting for them. Because you know Dave's asshole self would be yelling at Rachel that she was a fuck-up.”)
3- Brendon
4- Rachel B.

(Toyouke: “So rather than have people have a maximum number of Roadblocks, it looks like they changed the rules so you have to keep even throughout.”) After much running, jumping and chicken grabbing, teams complete the Roadblock in the following order:

1- Art/JJ
2- Brendon/Rachel
3- Rachel/Dave
4- Vanessa/Ralph

Teams now make their way to the Umeda Sky Building and travel to the top in order to make their Detour choice. Teams arrive in the following order:

1- Art/JJ
2- Rachel/Dave
3- Brendon/Rachel
4- Vanessa/Ralph

And we get the Detour Clue.

DETOUR:
Bingo Shoutout OR Photo Cutout
*Bingo Shoutout: Teams must travel to a sushi restaurant, where they pick up sushi from a conveyor belt as it is called out by a bingo caller. Once teams have the right sushi with the right letters in a way to get a bingo, they yell “Sushi!” and eat the five pieces that form the bingo to get their next clue.
*Photo Cutout: Teams must pick up to life size sumo cutout and find the photographer to get a camera. Then they must get 10 groups of three people each to get their photos taken behind the cutouts to get their next clue.

1- Art/JJ choose Bingo Shoutout – (Toyouke: “Sushi Bingo is almost as entertaining as the game show.”)
2- Rachel/Dave choose Photo Cutout
3- Brendon/Rachel choose Bingo Shoutout
4- Vanessa/Ralph choose Bingo Shoutout

Teams complete the detour in the following order:

1- Rachel/Dave
2- Art/JJ
3- Brendon/Rachel
4- Vanessa/Ralph

Teams find now that they must travel to Osaka Castle, the PIT STOP of the eleventh leg of this racearoundtheworld. The last team to arrive WILL be eliminated!

(Toyouke: “Points for not having a geisha or samurai greeter.”)

1- Rachel/Dave – who win a trip for two to New Zealand, personally recommended by Phil. Phil: “Just tell me when you're going, so I can not be home.” Oh, and they tied the record for most wins on the Race, set by Nick and Starr in TAR13 and repeated by Meghan and Cheyne in TAR15.
2- Art/JJ
3- Brendon/Rachel
4- Vanessa/Ralph

And Vanessa and Ralph are eliminated. But what a trooper she was!

ORDER NOW:
1st – Rachel/Dave
2nd – Art/JJ
3rd – Brendon/Rachel

Next time: Teams race to Hawaii for a million dollars! See you then!