Project Runway 7/25/13--"Million Dollar Runway" summary

Previously on Project Runway: We met a new crop of designers (and Kate from last season) and briefly teased everyone like they might jump out of planes. Sadly no, but they did have to make outfits out of parachutes. It actually was not as bad as I thought, so that’s good. Timothy is a crazy hippie that talks about unicorns and Sandro is from Russia and is obnoxious. So there is some drama. Bradon won, because he was the only one to use the parachute to make a train and a dress with some movement. Even though Timothy made an ugly dress, and Sandro had to have his model’s crotch blurred out (SERIOUSLY), Angela was just boring so she was sent home. Crotch. Blurred. Out. (click for more)

A big armored truck pulls up outside and a bunch of guys all dressed up to look like SWAT are walking around with briefcases. Every guy I’ve ever seen associated with an armored truck looks like a rent-a-cop. Please. Everyone freaks out like they’re all criminals or something. Heidi appears with the velvet bag and everyone forgets the SWAT guys. The models all come out, all wearing very expensive jewelry. Lots of diamonds. Also I am glad to notice the models are not barefoot. There is over $30 million on that runway. Everyone freaks out. The challenge is to create al look that is glamorous enough to go with the jewels. I have to admit, since I figured out what the challenge was, I have been waiting to see if Timothy says something about blood diamonds. Oh no, he heaves a giant put-upon sigh and says he’s not inspired by money, and he’ll have to pick out the “prettiest” diamonds and that is “superficial”. Are you fucking kidding me? The fashion designer is complaining about how something is superficial.

Bradon, as the winner, gets to pick first, and then the velvet bag. It’s not exciting but Dom says she’s not used to eveningwear, and Timothy is last so he doesn’t have to choose so shut it, unicorn boy.

In the workroom, Tim says everyone’s computer has a photo of their jewelry. They have 30 minutes to sketch, and then Mood. There’s some app on the phone so they can track things. They have $4000 for the whole season. Interesting. So if you thought you were going home you could go all out, but it might screw you later. I wonder if there will be begging or borrowing later. One day challenge. Sandro starts yelling about brown diamonds. Timothy says something about trash to treasure. He’s being inspired by the blue velvet box the jewelry is in. When they get to Mood, it turns out they have a suggested budget of $300. That’s cool, suggestions. Timothy heads for the remnants. Tim points out they have organic fabrics too. They also have 45 minutes to shop which seems like more than usual.

Kate has planned to do something very dramatic and borderline costume. Sandro is in the sewing room yelling about how someone jacked up his sewing machine. I guess someone else has been using it and it’s messed up, but Ken is laughing at him and saying it’s not his problem, so Sandro responds by asking him to shut up for five minutes. As they yell about nothing, Justin quietly takes his implant out so they don’t distract him. He says he doesn’t want to put the needle in his finger. Heh. I’m not sure why Sandro is yelling at Ken, other than that Ken doesn’t seem to care about Sandro’s problems, but the argument ends with Ken saying “Speak fucking correct English, how about that?” and then interviewing that Sandro is on his period, which is unfortunate. Kahindo has silk charmeuse, which she has never worked with before. Yikes. Justin thinks the print looks too much like camouflage.

Tim Time! Dom has a green and white print because she wanted to mimic the emeralds. Tim doesn’t want the dress too “poolside” because unless the girl is a “gold-digging floozy” she’s not going to walk around with jewels and a maxi beach dress. Hee. Floozy. Alexandria has black and white checked trim that might be too much. Justin has a lot of layers and tiers and Tim thinks he should eliminate some because of time. But Justin is aiming big so he’s ignoring Tim. Bradon’s fabric looks more expensive than it actually was. Also curtain fabric? Well, he’s immune so he figured to go for it. Kahindo has a keyhole in the back of her bodice, and it’s puckered because silk charmeuse, and Tim is concerned. He suggests she put some overlay on top of things I guess to hide the puckering? Or the print? I’m not sure. Kate has some boning and a corset top. Sandro is going for 50s. Like, the 1950s. Tim just tells him to “hone your critical eye”. Helen has a bunch of rouching, and Tim asks if she has time, but she’s very confident. She starts to say something about blowing Tim’s mind but stops in the middle because she says it’s dirty sounding. Alexander has piles and piles of chiffon. Tim says “granny” and Alex clutches his pearls about it. Timothy has put a sheer white fabric on the top, with a blue velvet rectangle over her boobs like a censor bar. And a blue velvet full skirt. Tim tries to tell him it looks dumb, but he knows Timothy is just smiling and nodding at this point and everyone knows it. It’s a hot mess and Tim basically tells him he’s going home unless he fixes it and puts some design in.

Timothy suddenly is wondering if he should just quit now and people give him some suggestions, which is more than I would do. A lot of people are telling him to drape, I guess. Whatever. Helen is apparently also wandering around dispensing advice. Kahindo is taking Tim’s suggestions. Model fitting. Timothy promises his model he can sew really fast. Are you going to promise to let her wear shoes? Helen is adding a fishtail to her skirt with like, an hour left, and she seems lost. She is not confident. Sue puts the wrong thread on her garment? Someone used the machine she had been using, and changed the thread color, and she’s the one who can’t work the machines. She claims she was totally working, and she just left, but even if you know what you’re doing it takes a bit of time to change out the thread and then sew things so she must have been gone for a while. The sewing room is treated to her passive-aggressive complaining about how pressed for time she is and how SOMEONE changed the thread and she doesn’t have time to learn how to change it back because she has so much to do and blah blah. Dom offers to help her, and it looks like she tried but Sue’s still complaining so Dom goes to do her own stuff.

Day of the runway. Kahindo’s hair is FAB. Sandro thinks Timothy is going home, and he calls him “Amish” which is a pretty good nickname. Bradon tries to stand up for him but Sandro refuses to give Timothy any credit. In the workroom Sandro asks if anyone has a regular pin because “I need to sew my hookers”. Hee. Tim appears to tell them he’s sending the models in. Helen reveals she’s never done a bodice with bust cups. She’s sewing the darts in the wrong direction and it’s not looking that great. Timothy is bragging he finished a dress in three hours. Hot makeup guy Scott greets Timothy by telling him L’Oreal is wonderful in sustainability. HA! I love you, Scott. At 10 minutes left, there is still sewing happening. Sandro tries to set up the steamer, but he has no idea what he’s doing, and no one will stop and help him. So he curses up a blue streak and goes off to some back hallway. He finds a random crew member, like, physically grabs him and tries to make him work the steamer. Luckily the guy escapes. Now Sandro is sitting in the sewing room about to cry and sulking. Drama.

Guest judge is Eric Daman, who is a costume designer. Dom: the print is mostly white with green dots in an abstract kind of pattern. The skirt is long, but gathered in the front and trimmed in sheer green so it doesn’t look so beachy. The top is just a simple V neck with skinny straps. There is a loop off one shoulder. The necklace is a Y shape with diamonds and emeralds and it looks great with the green in the dress. The back is mostly open with the loops, and then she has a headband? Not sure about the headband. Long train. Justin: long black dress, with a strapless sweetheart neckline. It looks like chiffon all in the skirt, so it moves well, and ,making it all black means your eye is instantly drawn to her big necklace and all the sparkle. Ken: a dark teal strapless dress with a peplum. The peplum continues as a ruffle down one side, and the skirt is long and slim. The necklace is just diamonds, no color, but it looks good. Kind of 80’s. Kahindo: short dress, sleeveless, with a round neckline, in that print that now looks like stripes of different colors. She’s got a sheer brown over all of the print so it just looks duller than it did. The skirt hits below the knee. Alexandria: long purple dress, with a cowl neckline. Its’ a very dark purple, or maybe navy. It sits weird, or is a weird length or something. I think it’s about 4 or 5 inches off the ground in the front but hits the floor in the back? I know everyone has different jewelry, but mostly people have been pretty good about making things that look expensive enough for diamonds. Miranda: two pieces, in blue, a crop top and skirt so her midriff is exposed in a strip. The top is a sweetheart neckline with thick straps. Actually, I think it looks cheap and also exposed midriff, but I’m pretty sure we didn’t see this design at all before this moment so she’s probably safe. Alexander: well, it’s hard to see, because the editors keep cutting back and forth, so THANKS FOR NOTHING. But it looks like a long dress in black or dark brown, with a fitted bodice and a miniskirt. And then chiffon everywhere over that skirt, so it moves a lot, and big puffy sleeves lined in yellow so you get a flash of yellow as she walks. Maybe they’re not sleeves but big lengths of fabric attached at the shoulder and wrist.

Kate: long dramatic gown in light gray. You can see the boning in the bodice, and the fabric is draped over and around that, and then the skirt is full but gathered on one hip so it’s not even around the bottom. Also a band around one arm for no reason. I am not a fan of that. The back is almost bustled. Timothy: Oh, Timothy. Long blue velvet dress, with a weird high collar neckline. Like, if the gown was supposed to be a high collared gown but you put cutouts at the shoulders. There are two white sheer pieces over the shoulders, positioned like straps or a vest but I think sewn in, and then a white sheer panel on one side of the skirt. The jewelry sits on top of the high neck. The bottom of the skirt is like a handkerchief hem, and there’s a train. Sigh. Karen: light blue dress, long, with a drop waist and a top like a camisole. There’s some pleating at the waist, but a drop waist always makes me think of flappers. And it makes most people look thick. But like Miranda, I haven’t seen this dress before now. Or remembered there was a person named Karen. Jeremy: long dress in black silk, with spaghetti straps and a slim cut. Right at her knees are piles and piles of tulle in gray and white. So the silhouette is of a mermaid gown. Sandro: the top is cropped, so there is skin showing. It’s mostly beige with some darker brown strips radiating from the bottom hem of the bodice. The top part is folded pieces of fabric so it’s angular. The skirt is a very tight beige pencil skirt that hits below the knee and has dark brown piping and side panels. The model is walking very slowly so I wonder if the skirt is too tight.

Helen: well, from what I can see of the dress, it doesn’t look that great. But Helen is literally shaking, she’s so upset, so Heidi tells Tim to go talk to her. And the model leaves so that’s all we can see for now. Helen is very upset about her construction and embarrassed, I guess. Tim is awesome and tells her that he knows it’s not how she usually does things but also that she can’t do anything about it now. We continue, and now we can see her dress is mostly brown, with a lighter putty bodice. The skirt is long, but the putty starts on her hips which makes her hips look wider for some reason. The top is terrible. It looks like it’s supposed to fit like a corset, and have molded cups for her boobs, but they just look flat and the stitching is not right. She looks like she has no chest. Sue: long black dress. That’s about it. The top looks like she took a deep V and tied a big horizontal piece of fabric around her torso. And the straps are too fat or too close together because the necklace is sitting on top of them. Bradon: long silver shiny dress, and some weird sheer shrug with a big diamond of the shiny fabric on the back. I think it might be too much shiny? Also the shrug thing is weird. There’s a pointed cutout on one side at her hip.

Heidi calls Dom, Sandro, Timothy, Kahindo, Helen, and Kate as the top and bottom. Dom liked the print because she thought it looked like more jewels. Nina loves that it looks young, but the hem trim is a little too dark. They hate on the headband a bit but all the judges like the movement. Timothy is talking about blue velvet boxes but all the judges look skeptical. Heidi is glad to see some makeup but not hair stuff. Then he admits he went through remnants, and then Zac says he thinks the velvet came from his studio because he didn’t use it. I can’t tell if Zac is serious or not. He says it looks backwards, and they keep saying it’s a “razorback” but it is a RACERBACK. The velvet is sucking the color out of the stones. Nina wants a tuxedo jacket. Kate starts talking about Marie Antoinette and a sheet and a corset and…something. Heidi knew this was Kate’s because of the corset. It’s very pretty and light. The necklace pops and the fabric is a great color also. Zac tells Kate this is her strongest look ever. Sandro was the only one with burgundy gems which is why this outfit is brown. Heidi says he piled a bunch of stuff on again, but then she likes it. What? Sigh. Everyone says it’s great he chose an “unpredictable” fabric, and Nina actually ignores that it’s wrinkled. Zac doesn’t, though, and tells Sandro he should have steamed it. Heh. The side panels are actually sheer so Zac says it’s trashy but then the exposed midriff makes it LESS trashy? WTF? Kahindo liked the print, but Heidi is too bored and it’s not impressive enough. The colors work for her model but they don’t do anything for the jewelry. She should have done more. Helen admits she’s never done bust cups, and Heidi is always shocked people attempt things they’ve never done before. Then Helen says eveningwear is her forte. How have you never done bust cups then? The model turns around and the seam over her butt is really jacked up. Just poor choices all around, it sounds like, wrong fabric and then there are too many mistakes. Nina tells Helen she is having a hard time believing Helen’s an eveningwear designer, and she gets upset and says she wants to do couture and she’s going to keep doing it until she gets it. Sandro is upset for some reason, and when Heidi asks him about it, he says she tried to do her best so don’t judge her too much. Interesting.

In the Scrap Bin, Timothy is talking about how maybe after being on the bottom twice he might not get another chance. Sandro tells him that the problem is he is always talking, so if Timothy just shut up they wouldn’t have as much ammunition to attack him with. Timothy says he felt he was having a conversation with the judges. I think that’s true, but there’s some truth in what Sandro is saying as well. Of course, Sandro is being an ass about it, but that’s Sandro. The up close judging is not terribly exciting, except for the part where Heidi thinks Helen’s dress is much, much worse up close. Also Tim admits he told Kahindo to put the tulle over the print, but then he shows them what the print looks like without the overlayer and they thank him profusely. Heidi lines up the bottom three and says two have bad construction and one is boring. So I guess Kahindo is doomed.

Sandro is in. Kate is the winner and has immunity. The other designers were complaining about how she has been copying other, more famous designers, so we’ll see how much they complain. Dom is in. Helen is in. Timothy is in. See, I told you. Aww. She thinks it was good enough to sell to people so she’s feeling it was kind of harsh. Tim is not using the save, but he’s super nice to her. Kahindo’s not ready to go, but she has to, so she’s going to be gracious about it.

Next week: Heidi wakes everyone up, Coney Island, whatever prizes you win are the materials for another unconventional materials challenge, Sandro and Timothy piss people off.

Project Runway 7/18/13--"Sky's the Limit" summary

Previously on Project Runway: There was a fairly terrible “teams” season that was just an excuse to have as much drama as possible. Michelle won, which made some people upset because she was kind of a bitch. But her clothes were the best. Also this show was on way too much and I got sick of it and I think many other people did too. Then there was an absolutely horrific print ad for this season with poor Tim Gunn in tight pants and eyeliner. Heidi dressed like Marie Antoinette on a scissor throne with a needle scepter? That’s campy, I can get behind that. Naked models worshipping at her feet? Well…we all know naked women don’t really appeal to the demographic for this show but they put men in this time, so it’s better I guess. Tim Gunn with another needle scepter and tight pants looking terrified like he only just barely talked them out of being shirtless with a black leather vest? That’s just wrong. (click for more)

“Road to the Runway” happened and it’s the same as it always is. People are crazy. People have tragic backstories. At least one person says they won’t be afraid to start fights. Wait, is it only season 12? Doesn’t it feel like so much longer than that? Ugh. Also one All-Star? Unfinished Business? Something. I remember there was voting but I couldn’t bring myself to care enough to actually vote. There’s a guy who is deaf, which I think maybe is not as much of a handicap as it might be in other shows. Also I don’t need subtitles for him, thanks Lifetime. Also not everyone has a super tragic backstory so that’s good? I guess? Still skeptical. I mean…still have our share of drama.

We start at some random airfield with an old biplane. I’m pretty sure, the recording cut off the beginning. Some of the designers get interview clips but no names for whatever reason. Lots of posturing. Oh, not a biplane, but a little Cessna with a propeller. Heidi and Tim greet everyone and make runway puns. Tim claims this is an incredibly talented group, but not “the most talented”. They reveal the returning designer is Kate from last season, who lands in a puddle jumper. Some girl says Kate is a bitch and they’re going to clash. Everyone’s mad she gets a second chance. Who cares? No one cares. Tim introduces Justin LeBlanc’s interpreter, because Justin is the one who is deaf. The prize package is now worth over $500,000. Lame “sky’s the limit” pun and then some skydivers. And one idiot who thinks they are army figures. Sadly for everyone who hoped the designers would have to skydive, no dice. These are pros so no one eats it or crashes into a plane, which would have been fantastic. The first challenge is: make something out of parachutes. Nice. Helen Castillo (the one who said Kate is a bitch) complains that she can’t make anything nice out of a parachute. Hey, it’s actual fabric. So that’s something.

Everyone has to run and fight over the parachutes on the ground to get the colors they want. Kate eats it and then crawls to her chosen parachute which is funny to me.

In the vans we get some interviews and more introductions. Angela Bacskocky says she wanted to be a rock star, and she would dress up, but somewhere along the way she realized she liked the dressing up part more than the music part. Karen Batts is in Justin’s van and she talks about how awesome it is that he’s deaf. That sounds weird but she’s sincere about it. To their credit his van is asking him about if they should face him and whatever. He has a cochlear implant, but depending on when he got it, he might be more comfortable reading lips or using the interpreter. Alexandria von Bromssen used to be a model.

Oh, are they back at Parsons? Yay! Bradon McDonald used to be a dancer but quit because, in his words, “I’m old”. Miranda Levy is former military. Timothy Westbrook apparently knows Miranda from Milwaukee. Tim appears to welcome everyone. Belk is now the accessory wall. HP’s still around though. Then there is another new twist that I hadn’t heard of and I’m not sure I like: each designer will manage their spending for the whole season. Some other sponsor is dealing with that. Everyone gets a debit card to shop with. So…do they get one lump sum that has to last all season? Or what? I need more info, Tim. They’re not going to Mood today because they are supposed to use the parachute. They have until 11pm (a shot of the clock shows that it is currently 3:45pm)…and all day tomorrow! Hmm, suspicious.

Kate asks the room who was excited to see her wipe out. Helen says, and I quote, “I’m usually not scared of bitches but I’m scared of you”. I don’t remember Kate being such a huge bitch that she deserves this nastiness from someone who has filed their fingernails into points. Alexander Pope is a costume designer. I hope he does some crazy shit. Kahindo Mateene says the parachute fabric is slippery and also sheer. Angela wants to make a trench coat, which sounds like a good idea. Bradon just wants to mess around with the fabric instead of sketching. Sandro Masmanidi says some jerk thing. I like Russian accents, but he seems like he’ll be really obnoxious. He says he has some good potential, and then asks the producers if that’s humble. He’ll be entertaining. Kate’s being nice about telling people stuff like how long runway days are, and yes you do have some time those days to sew, and whatever. Dom Streater says Kate is nicer than she thought but that is also a strategy.

Jeremy Brandrick is British. I’m giving him his intro because he gets to remind us of the challenge after the commercials. Timothy recites his aesthetic as “a sustainability-focused fiber artist”. Then he says “we have to protect the forest to keep unicorns alive.” What? He makes things out of the ribbon in cassette tapes, which ends up looking like sequins and is cool. Oh, honey, the unicorn thing is ruining it. He’s got some origami or something happening. Justin says if the other designers get on his nerves he’ll just turn off his implant. Hee. Ken Laurence taught himself because he couldn’t afford school. He is the one with the bowtie tattoo. Sue Waller is making a million pleats. Her hair is curly and blonde and I can’t tell if she has curly hair or dreadlocks.

Back at Parsons but in a hotel and not Atlas. Wait, does that mean no early morning coffee and breakfast and lounging on chairs to shittalk everyone else? LAME.

Day two. Bradon is pretending to know what is going on. Jeremy is married and has two kids and they and his husband are super adorable. Sue is the person who can’t use the sewing machines. There’s always one. Dom says this is ballsy, since she can’t use it. Timothy doesn’t use electricity, of course, because he is too special or unicorns or something. There ARE sustainable sources of electricity, Timothy. He’s going to bug me.

At lunch (dinner? Who knows) someone says they think they’ll win, and Sandro gets on his high horse about how you should be humble and everyone is going to stay away from you if you talk about how you’re going to win. Alexandria is looking around the table like “…the fuck did this guy come from?” No one else reacted to what was a fairly mild instance of bragging. They’re more likely to stay away from you because you’re being a jerk, Sandro, but that’s fine, every season needs a villain. Our season’s villain, everyone. Timothy goes outside and holds a lighter to his fabric. Not sustainable, unicorn boy.

Tim Time! Everyone is super quiet when he walks in. He loves Alexandria’s layering and colorblocking. Kate has a super girly dress. Bradon has a long train which might work. Tim says “James Bond-ish”. Timothy’s burning actually looks cool. I guess. He says it’s a conceptual performance piece that involves bondage. OK, I’ve almost swung back around into liking him because he is crazy. Like, Angela and Jubilee Jumbles crazy. Vincent and his hats crazy. Miranda has made a pencil skirt out of the “supplementary” fabric, and when Tim says she should make it out of the parachute, she says she would but it’s hard to work with. That’s the point, dear. Helen basically did the same thing, which was to make a mostly white dress with colored accents. When Tim calls her on it, she says she’s stubborn and this is how it’s going to be because that’s what she wants. Sigh. Kahindo’s pleating is messy. Angela was going to make pants but maybe will just make a coat. Tim tells her to make sure she makes something the fabric wants to be? Sure. Sue has a long story about how she adapted to her crappy pleating, or maybe it was crappy because she can’t use the machines? Somehow she’s making her mistake work for her. Sandro is possibly making a retro swimsuit. Currently he only has the bottom.

Model fittings. Timothy tells his model how to move and to act like the Virgin Mary and sniffing her armpit. I cannot roll my eyes hard enough. Maybe he could just be crazy but I don’t have to listen to it? And then the second day ends and there was no twist or second garment or anything! What is happening to my predictable world?!

Runway day. Tim doesn’t say how long they have to work. Angela’s coat is more like a poncho. Timothy is still telling his model how to walk or something and she looks irritated. Tim appears and looks concerned and tells him he won’t get any extra time for his grand performance. Timothy promises he understands, and then his poor model tries valiantly to suggest she just walk, but he refuses. Hello hot makeup guy Scott. I have missed you. And your glasses. Timothy appears and says the hair guys cannot use anything that is plugged in or any product on his model. What? There’s a shot of her wiping something out of her eye which is possibly a tear. Only bobby pins and braiding. Also no makeup. Scott stares at him, and then says to his model that it’s so lucky she’s so beautiful anyway. She is totally crying now. She actually gets an interview about how it’s not fair she doesn’t get hair and makeup and everyone else does. Miranda still has a black skirt. Sandro’s swimsuit bottoms are so short the producers have a black bar over her crotch. Wow. That’s pretty bad. Ken says the “good china” is hanging out. Yay, previous season reference!

Heidi lists the prizes for this season, which include a year’s supply of water and a spa trip, a car, HP stuff, the Marie Claire spread, fabric, etc. Not sure about the water, but whatever. You may have heard Michael Kors has decided not to show up to this season either. Zac’s OK, I guess. Nina looks excited to destroy some dreams. Guest judge is Kate Bosworth. And also, Tim. He is not a judge, but he has “The Tim Gunn Rescue”, which is one save he has to save someone the judges have eliminated. And all season is blind judging? So how is anyone going to talk about their looks if the judges aren’t supposed to know who made which outfit? And doesn’t Tim know? Why is this show suddenly so damn complicated? Maybe just the runway show is blind.

Sue: long pink gown, sleeveless, with a high neckline and some shirring down the front. It’s fine. The back looks kind of dumpy. Bradon: a close-fitting aqua sheath, miniskirt, with an overskirt in all the different stripes that flows down into a train. It moves really well. I think he took some of the cords and dyed them, because there is a design of vertical white and blue lines on the bodice and hanging off the front of the dress. Jeremy: white top with boxy shoulders and short sleeves. Then tight pants with zippers hanging off everywhere, purple down to her knee and then teal from her knee to the floor. The back of the blouse is draped like a cowl. Kahindo: tight purple tank top, smooth, and a vertically pleated skirt in purple and pink. The skirt is short and the hem is ragged. It looks overworked but I think her idea is solid. Sandro: the top is dark turquoise with a deep V, and giant puffy purple ruffles on her shoulders. There are also bunches of the cords hanging off like moss on a tree. The bottoms are high-waisted and full cut granny panties, but I think they are supposed to lace up the front? Either way, his poor model is holding the cords in front of her crotch so she doesn’t flash everyone. Everyone is horrified. Helen: there’s a lot of white, with blue and green panels. It’s a typical sleeveless dress with a V-neck, but there is a ton of gathering in the skirt and it looks wrinkled. And not in a good way. Alexandria: short sheath dress with a zipper up the front. It’s in sort of a blue gray color, with black shoulders. It’s unzipped fairly low but the opening is narrow and crossed by horizontal black bands in the opening. Actually when she turns around it’s clear the weird color is from her layering a blue over hot pink. And there are pockets in the front. Karen: V-neck dress that ends below the knee, sleeveless, with straps in the black and then panels of blue and green. The panels are outlined in black diagonal lines, all the way down the front. It fits horribly and is shapeless. And the lines don’t line up.

Timothy: just a short dress with a full skirt, or at least weird panels that stick out like flaps. It looks dirty. I know he was burning things and whatever, but it’s all off-white and yellow and it looks dingy. His model poses at the end of the runway but doesn’t do the dancing, “I am being pulled by unseen forces” bullshit he was practicing with her. So he’s mad but I’m pleased. Justin: hot pink dress with a full skirt, a black belt, and some gray and black narrow strips around the neck and down the front. It’s very cute. Kate: the dress is mostly yellow, with a high neck and no sleeves. There is a yellow circular piece over most of the bodice, with little poofy things at her shoulder. The skirt is very full, but the back looks wonky. You know what the bodice makes me think of? Instantly I thought of this. Right? It’s the same big circle over the front. Angela: short blue dress with a hood, lined in pink. There’s an inverted box pleat in the back that shows off more pink. I know that it’s supposed to be a coat, but it is so light and shapeless. And short. Alexander: short dress with a diamond pattern. There is a white diamond over her stomach, which is outlined in black, then teal, then purple at the hem and shoulders. For some reason he has to deal with static because her front hem is sticking to her legs and riding up. The top has a mock turtleneck and the shoulders look like the dress sticks up in a vertical ridge. Dom: high waisted pink skirt with diagonal stripes in lighter pinks, and a white boatneck top. There is also a black jacket with zippers and a teal stripe down the arm. It’s kind of boring but certainly better than some of this stuff. Ken: orange sheath dress with giant ruffles at the top. It’s like he took two lines of big ruffles and ran them along the top of the dress and then around her neck like a halter top. So her whole neck is covered. At least they stand up and aren’t limp and floppy. It’s kind of cute. Miranda: black pencil skirt with a pink stripe at the bottom, then a little bit of exposed midriff, then a crop top in orange with pink cap sleeves. There is still a lot of black in the top, and it’s cut in a pretty low V.

Finally! That first runway is always exhausting. So I guess the “blind judging” is that when they pick top three and bottom three they don’t know who made what. Angela, Sue, Miranda, Bradon, Sandro, and Timothy are called forward. Everyone else is safe. Justin should have been in the top, I think. Kate is kind of disappointed to just be safe. Timothy is up first. This should be good. He has a very long story about WWII and Hiroshima and Sadako and the Thousand Paper Cranes and this man is currently wearing jeans rolled and cuffed and six inch strappy stiletto heels. While his model is barefoot with no makeup. Zac calls him on it. The top looks droopy. Zac says “Tinkerbell at Burning Man” which is pretty good. Heidi asks why no makeup and he starts his story about whatever, thankfully leaving out unicorns. Nina says he has a good cause, so he has to work even harder to be a good example, I guess. Zac also calls him on burning synthetic fibers and how that is not sustainable. Timothy just nods because Zac is right. Sue’s ombre effect is beautiful and they like the top. The back is shorter than the front, because I think it just ended up that way so she worked with it. Miranda talks about skydiving. There is a weird graphic about voting or like, people’s approval of Nina like that matters or she cares at all. Miranda admits her dress is mostly not a parachute. Nina likes it anyway. It’s very polished, but Heidi is mad it’s not a parachute. Zac tries to get us to fear Heidi.

Angela wanted her coat to be full, like a parachute. Heidi immediately knew it should have a bottom. The proportions are really off so it looks like a poncho and not a coat. The colors are great, though. Bradon talks about air and fabric molding itself to your front. Heidi thinks it looks expensive. It moves beautifully. They all love it and how dramatic it is. Sandro is talking about people jumping from airplanes and stuff. Zac says “slutty cat toy”. Also the back is a racerback, with purple straps held together with chains? Once the stupid jacket thing is off, it’s a nice retro swimsuit. You know, except for the fact that she still has a black bar over her crotch which is horrifying. Even Wendy Pepper’s candy bikini didn’t have to be blurred. There is too much going on, and for a very long time no one says anything about her crotch, except Heidi says something about taste level. Where is Kors to say the crotch is insane?! Sigh.

Tim comes out with all the models again, and all the judges get to handle the garments and stuff. Tim says he was worried about Sue yesterday. They figure out Angela’s coat has a weird seam that is causing the problem. They like the detailing of Sandro’s bottoms but spare the model a discussion of her crotch. Nina says sustainable fabric should be gorgeous. If Miranda wasn’t showing midriff they’d like it better. Tim says the teacher in him would give her an F because she didn’t follow directions. Plus he told her that.

Sandro has poor taste, but he has some construction skills. So many things going on though. Angela made a smock. Zac is offended (to be honest, I am also) that Timothy’s model was barefoot to make his “statement” but then Timothy himself was wearing glittery high heels. Exactly. Sue’s dress is impressive and had a lot of technique. Bradon had a ton of drama and all his ideas worked. Miranda had been in the top but she didn’t follow the rules. Heidi is the one person arguing to get rid of her because it sends a message that you don’t have to follow the rules. We all know you don’t have to follow the rules. Whatever. If I get all agitated now about the judges I’ll never make it through the season.

Heidi brings everyone out and tells Miranda she is no longer in the top because she didn’t follow directions. Bradon is the winner and has immunity. Yay. He says his confidence has risen a little bit. Sue is in. Miranda gets a stern warning to follow directions and is also in. Sandro is in. Eyeroll. Timothy is in. Clearly, because they want to have him around to make fun of some more. He gets back to the Scrap Bin and says he’s taking off the heels. If they are painful you could maybe NOT WEAR THEM. That’s why I don’t wear heels that high. Someone asks what he’s going to do with them and Timothy says something about unicorns. Poor Angela, losing to unicorn boy. Tim comes into some hallway to talk to directly to the camera and say this is where he’d use the rescue, but it’s too early to use it. Kind of like in “Amazing Race” when you get to the U-Turn and have to face the camera and declare you don’t want to U-Turn anyone. Angela seems pretty OK.

This season: a huge amount of expensive jewelry, Jesse Tyler Ferguson, shoes, carnival rides, Tim waking everyone up with a whistle, camping, a lot of stupid yelling, Sandro walks out of production and hits a camera. That should be fantastic. Various guest judges. Some teams. Tim saves someone.

TAR22 Recap BONUS #2, 07-15-13

Welcome to Leg . . . well, now, we don’t have The Amazing Race to enjoy right now, do we (TAR 23 starts September 29!)?  So, we (Toyouke, Auburnium513, me, and the rest of us) were planning out our first bonus recap and thought, “Hey, we should do a few more of these!”  What we noticed was when we were discerning the Most Memorable Task EVER, we kept talking about the same teams over and over.  As a result, here are our picks for the 10 most memorable teams EVER. (click for more)

Now, I’m going to use a little ranking system.  Putting together this list was extremely difficult because we thought of at least thirty possibilities that we eliminated for various reasons.  When considering these however, it comes down to NINE criteria: whether or not the team was invited back as an ALL-STAR (which includes TAR 11 All-Stars and TAR 18 Unfinished Business), the number of TITLES that the teams were quoted with, the percentage of times the team made the TOP 3 before the final 5, the percentage of times the team made the BOTTOM 3 before the final 5, whether the team made the FINAL 5, FINAL 4 and/or the FINAL3, the LOVE we had of a particular team, and the HATE we had of a particular team.  Love and hate have been rated on a 1-5 scale by your favorite recapper, using how old the episode is as the tiebreaker in point ties.    Everything else was given points as to whether they occurred or not, and percentages were used for finishes due to different teams competing in different numbers of legs.  So, without further ado, here’s what we came up with.

10)  Teri/Ian: Season 3 and Season 11: From episode 1 of season 3, they were the team that you loved to hate.  Ian had just given up smoking, so he was a cantankerous old coot.  And him convincing Teri that she need to participate in the Scottish Games in Scotland while arguing the whole time was a highlight.  But after that, Teri and Ian seemed to hit their stride, even working their way through Deiselgate with relative ease, taking them to a second place finish in their first season, with a lot of viewers hoping they’d come back for All-Stars, which they did.  (Toyouke: "Ian's French Foreign Legion hat helped us coin the phrase 'asshat', so thanks for that, I guess.")  Memorability factor: ALL-STARS; TITLES, 2; TOP 3, 31%; BOTTOM 3, 38%; FINAL 5 (TAR 3); FINAL 4 (TAR 3); FINAL 3 (TAR 3); LOVE, 2; HATE, 5 (because Ian was so cantankerous).  A mid race exit in TAR 11 places them lower than I would have otherwise ranked them.

9)  Meredith/Gretchen: Season 7: Who doesn’t love an old couple?  And Meredith and Gretchen were one of the best.  Long lasting and antic filled, Gretchen came up with so many episode quotes when she opened her mouth: “Do you need some mouth-to-mouth resuscitation?”, “I’ve been wanting a face lift for a long time!”,  “We have a bad elephant!”  In a season with huge personalities (Ray/Deana, brothers Brian/Greg who I still see on YouTube from time to time, boyfriends Lynn/Alex, and of course, Rob/Amber of Survivor fame), Meredith and Gretchen’s go get it personalities made their fourth place exit a hard one to swallow.  (Toyouke: “Also, everyone thought Meredith was the girl for some reason.”)  Memorability factor: TITLES, 5 (all from Gretchen); TOP 3, 0%; BOTTOM 3, 71%; FINAL 5; FINAL 4; LOVE, 5 (because old people); HATE, 1.

8)  Jet/Cord: Season 16 and Season 18: The cowboys giddyapped right into the hearts of America  with their larger than life personalities, their down-home humor, and their All-American good looks.  The first team to get their own theme song (Flight Time and Big Easy had one the season before, but only because they were Harlem Globetrotters, and TAR just used “Sweet Georgia Brown”), they really hit their stride in their season on Leg 3 in Argentina when they had to use cowboy skills to lasso something.  Then they rode the fun all the way to a second place finish.  TAR invited them back for season 18, but they only made it half way through the race before being taken out in Leg 9 in Switzerland.  Memorability factor: ALL-STARS; TITLES, 3; TOP 3, 56%; BOTTOM 3, 31%; FINAL 5 (TAR 16); FINAL 4 (TAR 16); FINAL 3 (TAR 16); LOVE, 5 (theme song!); HATE, 1.  Plus hot cowboys.

7)  Uchenna/Joyce: Season 7 and Season 11: The first of four sets of winners on the list, Uchenna and Joyce shined in TAR 7 with their easy going and hard working attitude.  They were smart racers, and Joyce often showed off her smarts in tasks (the artwork challenge in Chile on Leg 2 of TAR 11 is one notable example), as well as her strength, as she shaved her head in India to win a Fast Forward on TAR 7.  But the key memorable moment was at the end of TAR 7, when Uchenna and Joyce had to pay their taxi cab before running to the finish line, after having been robbed of all their belongings in Jamaica.  (Toyouke: “Another team who caused a rule to be created because of their actions. Now it is stated in the offical rules that you cannot leave your cab until you pay in full.”) Memorability factor: ALL-STARS; TITLES, 2; TOP 3, 53%; BOTTOM 3, 20%; FINAL 5 (TAR 7); FINAL 4 (TAR 7); FINAL 3 (TAR 7); LOVE, 5; HATE, 2.

6)  BJ/Tyler: Season 9: Oh, the hippies.  In an otherwise mediocre season with all of the classic stereotypes and our first long lasting old couple in a few seasons (Fran and Barry), BJ and Tyler provided smiles and a wonderful energy throughout the season.  With some hilarious quoteable moments (“Herculean effort for some Herculean dudes.”) and a zest for the race, they quickly became a fan favorite, especially after they were robbed by Phil.  Twice. (Toyouke: "Fan favorite? I hated them. T-tow my ass.") Memorability factor: TITLES, 3; TOP 3, 83%; BOTTOM 3, 17%; FINAL 5; FINAL 4; FINAL 3; LOVE, 5; HATE, 3.

5)  Kelly/Jon: Season 4: The red headed diva and the goofball made for some memorable television that already gave us Reichen and Chip, whose chyron listed them as a married couple, David and Jeff (Team Who?), Millie and Chuck (The virgins) and more Fast Forwards than you could throw a stick at.  But these two were always good for a laugh and enjoyed themselves on the race.  Jon and Kelly managed to title quote every episode from Leg 9 on, and did it with flair (“Hit My Face!”, “Such a nice pheromone smell to you.”).  For them, running neck and neck with Millie and Chuck in Malaysia and almost being eliminated still goes down as one of my all time favorite legs.   Memorability factor: TITLES, 5; TOP 3, 43%; BOTTOM 3, 29%; FINAL 5;  FINAL 4; FINAL 3; LOVE, 4; HATE, 3.

4)  Eric/Danielle: Season 9 and Season 11: OK, so here’s the deal.  They weren’t really a team.  And that is one of the key factors to making them memorable.  Danielle raced with her friend Dani on TAR 9, and Eric raced with his friend Jeremy, where they took second place to the Hippies.  But then on TAR 11, they were apparently dating.  And no matter how much yelling I did at the screen made them go away.  They finished first in one leg: the last one, and prevented all-female team win from occurring for another six seasons (sorry Dustin and Kandace!).  As a result, as much as I try to erase them from my mind, they will not go away.   Memorability factor: ALL-STARS; TITLES, 2; TOP 3, 44%; BOTTOM 3, 44%; FINAL 5 (TAR 9, TAR 11); FINAL 4 (TAR 9, TAR 11); FINAL 3 (TAR 9, TAR 11); LOVE, 1; HATE, 5.

3)  Flo/Zach: Season 3: Oh, Flo.  A title quoter if there ever was one (“You Always Just Forget About ME!”, “Why did you have to take your pants off?”), and every derisive comment seemed to be directly aimed for her sweet, charming best friend Zach, who essentially dragged her across the world.  Things came to a head in Vietnam, when Flo’s meltdown over having to paddle a circular boat led to their second non-elimination and put them in position to finish the race as the first co-ed team to ever do so.  And they did. (Toyouke: "The first episode of TAR I watched involved Flo. As you can see I was hooked from then.") Memorability factor: TITLES, 5; TOP 3, 71%; BOTTOM 3, 0%; FINAL 5; FINAL 4;  FINAL 3; LOVE, 4; HATE, 4.

2)  Oswald/Danny: Season 2 and Season 11: Team Cha Cha Cha does just that over two full seasons of the race, only ever missing out of three of the twenty-six legs that they would run over the course of two races.  And why did they do so well?  They had great game strategy that they never really shared with anyone, which allowed them to always look fresh and fabulous in the morning.  They managed to rarely fight, always have fun in every task, and always encourage their teammate in all of the tasks.  Being snarky always helps, and this is the team with the most title quotes ever.  All in all an enjoyable memorable journey.  Memorability factor: ALL-STARS; TITLES, 6; TOP 3, 60%; BOTTOM 3, 7%; FINAL 5 (TAR 2, TAR 11); FINAL 4 (TAR 2, TAR 11); LOVE, 5; HATE, 1.

And the most memorable team ever?

1)  Charla/Mirna: Season 5 and Season 11: And now for the opposite side of the coin.  Schmirna managed to bicker their way across the world.  TWICE.  And every time was a train wreck to watch.  Charla, as you may recall, is a little person, and brought her not so little cousin Mirna along for the ride.  And whenever Mirna was too tired, whether it was hauling a side of beef, getting dressed up in a suit of armor, eating chocolate, whatever, Charla was there to drag her teammate through.  After a mediocre finish in TAR 5, they somehow managed to last the whole season of TAR 11, only to get beaten by the fake team.   Memorability factor: ALL-STARS; TITLES, 5; TOP 3, 33%; BOTTOM 3, 47%; FINAL 5 (TAR 11); FINAL 4 (TAR 11); FINAL 3 (TAR 11); LOVE, 3; HATE, 5.

And that’s our list!  What would you add or delete?  Let us know!  We’re working on some other lists that developed from thinking about this one, so stay tuned.  We’ll see you next time on the Amazing Race (TAR 23 premieres September 29, 2013)!