Project Runway 1/31/13--"Spin Out" summary

Previously on Project Runway: There were two teams, but unlike the real world, you don’t have to make your garment match your team at all. Also, didn’t they say it would be teams of two for the whole season? Did I make that up? I’m pretty sure I read it somewhere, only I can’t remember where, and clearly that’s not what happened so I don’t know. Everyone was supposed to make garments that showcase themselves as designers, inspired by New York. Daniel made a suit, with crop pants and a peplum with a bubble hem. It was interesting, I’m OK with the win. Emily very nearly sent her model down naked, and in the end she was sent home for having poor time management skills. (click for more)

Matthew says it’s sad Emily went home and they didn’t offer her help until the last minute. She kind of failed on her own, though. Michelle complains to her apartment that the only reason the bottom three were the bottom three was because of the team thing. No, I’m pretty sure Emily would have been bottom three no matter what. Cindy thinks everyone views her as the weak link. James swears in confessional to stop listening to his team and focus on himself.

Heidi congratulates them on surviving…one challenge. Same teams again! Cindy thinks everyone is mad they have to stay on the loser team. They probably hoped it was a joke about all team challenges. Next challenge is “a ball”. Sigh. Field trip!

Tim is at Spin New York (ROCKING red pants, by the way) and he’s in a room full of ping pong tables. Spin is a “ping pong social club”. Oh, sorry, it’s SPiN. I’m not writing that. It’s owned by Susan Sarandon, which is cool, but this whole idea seems annoying. Like, you’re supposed to go and drink and play ping pong? And there’s a DJ and ball boys? It’s super hipster but this guy is hot. They are going to make new server uniforms and new ball boy uniforms. The slogan is “Balls are our business”. Sigh. Each team will make five looks, three female and two male. $500 and one day. Of course, supposedly they will be worn in the place if they win.

And…now they’re serving? What? And being ball boys? What is the point of this? Is this like when you had everyone deliver mail that first season and Austin Scarlett in a postal uniform was the most glorious thing ever? Trying to recapture old seasons’ successes, I see. Anyway, a server is a server (pretty straightforward) and a ball boy runs around with a butterfly net to catch all the stray balls flying around because people have no skills. They talk to some actual servers and ball boys and they do mention they will have to bend over. One guy says no button downs. Benjamin tells the Dream Team he’s actually made restaurant uniforms before. When Tim asks how they did, Patricia jokes she got fired. Hee.

So NOW they have to work as teams, because there are more than five people per team. So this is relevant. Joseph suggests harem pants for the guys? They will need to remember they have clients to please. Matthew talks about how he responds to “streetwear” and not uniforms so this is boring. He’ll make pants just to contribute but he’s bitching about it. It looks like various people are drawing and showing what they think they can do. So it’s possible they won’t really go together as much as it will be different people making what they think it should look like. When they get to Mood, Team KIR still doesn’t know what they’re doing. I think eventually they throw money at each other and run off. Daniel says the judges didn’t like Layana’s dress last time, so he’s going to join up with her so she doesn’t drag them down. Kate and Patricia are pairing up. Patricia says everyone is adamant about keeping their design. Shocker. Matthew is fine because he’s making jeans. Benjamin micromanages Cindy and she’s pissed because she thinks James is buying ugly fabric and should be watched more than her. Well she had ugly fabric last time. Joseph wants “cute” but this in his mind is associated with bedazzled vintage sweaters so luckily Richard is watching him. Cindy is still mad. She tells Benjamin it’s hard to shop with him because they’re so different. Benjamin interviews that she doesn’t design for his “marketplace”, which is his way of saying he thinks her designs suck.

Everyone gets to work. Daniel’s top is going to have molded bra cups. Stanley says everyone on Team KIR is chipping in and being positive. Kate is a nice person and says Patricia was in the top and could help her out. She says she’s making tight pants, and Layana interrupts her to say “Waitresses don’t like to wear pants, they like to show their legs because they are the sexiest girls.” What? Seriously? No one tells her she’s sexist, they just go along with it. That is terrible. Matthew and Patricia seem to both be stuck with “boring” pieces on their respective teams. Neither one is happy about not being able to show their creativity. Benjamin has his fingers in everything because he doesn’t want to lose again. James goes off by himself and his whole team mentions it in confessional. Layana claims to be open to criticism, I guess except for the idea that waitresses maybe don’t want everyone to treat them like sex objects. She’s taking advice from Daniel, who says he learned to design “on the streets”. He says if he was straight he’d marry her. Cindy loves to make jackets. She stands up to Benjamin’s micromanaging and he backs off. She keeps talking, though, which makes it seem like maybe he’s not so bad after all.

There’s a screen printer, to put the logo on their designs. Nice. It’s a professional touch and maybe they’ll look like real uniforms. Patricia doesn’t want to do just a pair of leggings, because she thinks the judges told her they wanted to see more construction.

Tim Time! Team KIR first. It looks like a skort with the front part as apron, and an asymmetrical vest. I think there is some trim going over a pocket? It’s not clear. Stanley has a good design for the male server. Richard decided to put a harness for the nets for the ball boy. A harness. OK. Amanda is making her outfit out of swimwear fabric. Interesting. Daniel crows about how their team has it in the bag. Patricia starts to talk about cutting out the design out of the leggings, and Tim says he thinks she’s thinking about herself, and it’s about the team. She wants to cover herself though, which is understandable. Tim says he’s sensing ego, which is kind of rude. If they lose, the first thing they’ll say is “Well, Patricia only made boring leggings.” We all know that.

Dream Team Tim Time. Michelle’s server vest looks like a sleeveless shirtdress. Matthew says he and Benjamin are doing ball boy. “Well, we’re not DOING a ball boy.” Hee. Tim says jeans are “ubiquitous” and why are they making one? Why is Patricia making leggings? Aren’t leggings ubiquitous? Tim, if you stop making sense I don’t know if I can handle it. Someone suggests they make cutoffs, which I don’t think is a great idea. I think that was Michelle. She then suggests a kilt, which Tim thinks is interesting. Sure, it’ll be interesting when boys in kilts have to bend over to chase loose balls across the floor. There was no good way to write that sentence. Samantha and Tu have two parts of an outfit but they don’t go together. It’s the same thing with Cindy’s jacket and Ben’s top. Tim actually asks him if he even looked at Cindy’s jacket at all. Burn. Tim declares it “whackadoodle”. He tells the whole team their pieces don’t go together. James’s shirt looks terrible. Like a maternity shirt and the hem is jacked. Matthew says to just toss it. He thinks he can fix it, though. Oh James. Tim says they have to be on top.

Two hours left. Ben doesn’t seem to know what he is supposed to be doing, although their team seems to be regrouping well. Tu has a hot mess. He says so himself. James has no fabric, apparently, so he’s going to have to make a shirt out of scraps. Matthew is making his kilt, with “Balls Are Our Business” on the front. Sigh. Model fittings. Dream Team doesn’t have a lot finished. No kilt, sadly.

Back at the apartments Samantha says their team works well together, but it doesn’t show in the garments. Ben thinks maybe his choices aren’t going to help him. Michelle declares her team is shitting the bed, will be losing, and she wants off her team.

Morning of the show. Tim says everyone looks fabulous, and Samantha says “we’re trying to match you”. Hee. Two hours to work. Dream Team is pulling together to fix their stuff. Michelle is now proud of her teammates. Cindy thinks they might even win. Kate, on the other hand, hates her team’s looks. Hot makeup guy Scott. Stanley works until the last minute.

Heidi is wearing another terrible outfit. It’s a terrible brown, and it’s not fitted properly so she looks huge. Bleh. Daniel has immunity, apparently. Guest judge is Susan Sarandon. Nice. She looks fantastic. Dream Team. Michelle: brown shirtdress with no sleeves and wide lapels. It looks like there’s an elastic waist too. Eh, it’s not really well-fitted and it’s boring, but I’m guessing there will be a lot of boring today. The back has a panel with part of the logo, which looks like a lot of lines. It’s like you took a pen and made a circle, and then just went around and around a bunch of times. I like it, it’s just hard to describe. Samantha and Tu: darker brown vest, that is very low. I can see her bra. There is some sheer fabric so they knew it would be that low cut. The skirt is black and I can’t see anything interesting about it. James: male server. It’s a white tank top with a gray side panel (random) and black crop pants. Manpris, if you will. Ben and Cindy: black or dark brown jacket with elbow length sleeves that looks really nice. The shorts are fine, although Ben hates the crotch. Matthew and Ben: a black tank top with the line design on it, and then an actual kilt. And it really says “Balls Are My Business”. Well at least it looks good.

Team KIR. Layana and Daniel: white long sleeved shirt with a black vest over it, and a very short skirt. The back of the vest is a racerback that is asymmetrical on purpose. I don’t know if I like it. Stanley: black T-shirt and black pants. The shirt doesn’t quite fit right, but it’s a T-shirt. Kate and Patricia: sleeveless top in dusty rose, with the top part around her shoulders and neck in black. The leggings are leggings, but there is some of the logo across her hips. The back of the top is draped, like they wrapped the fabric around her front. Amanda: little black dress that is very short. Square neckline, straps, it’s pretty standard. Joseph and Richard: the harness is silly. A T-shirt that is white across the shoulders and black on bottom, and black pants that seem baggy, but have the slogan printed in white on the front pockets.

Team KIR wins again! Woo. Michelle says she’s tired of having her team in the bottom, you know, because of all the two times it’s happened. Layana claims she talked to servers and they wanted to look sexy. She might have, I don’t remember. They like the vest over the long sleeved shirt, but the asymmetrical back maybe doesn’t work right. Zac likes the idea though. Heidi says something about not wanting the server to upstage her. Nina finds it “charming”. Am I off base here? Are we saying servers should wear revealing clothing so that horny guys can tip them well? Everyone thinks it’s really cute and I do not agree. Daniel says he has immunity so Layana should win if that’s the best look. How does that follow? Stanley made good pants and they like his outfit. The pants are praised, but it’s extremely hard to see them. They really like the harness for the ball boy. Heidi likes that the slogan is not over his crotch. Yes.

Dream Team. I am still imagining a Loser Gong. James talks about branding and something about making sure people remember where they are. Nina hates the length of the pants. There is no logo anywhere, so Susan doesn’t think anyone will know he works there. Heidi brings up hairy armpits, which is a thing I hadn’t even thought of but which is totally a good point. The guy is wearing a tank top. James says he did this all by himself and no one wants to admit they helped him, except to tell him to scrap the first top. Cindy and Ben can both sew, but the shorts are bad and it’s too formal for the venue. Cindy argues that most of the servers had jackets on, and then Heidi and Zac are all “it’s a show about something new” which is stupid. They looked at the servers and saw jackets so they made a jacket. Whatever. Ben declares he shouldn’t have tried to micromanage and maybe he’s “compromised” himself. The model in the kilt says it’s breezy. Heh. Matthew lies and says he came up with the kilt idea himself, when we clearly saw it was not his idea. Susan says her guys won’t wear it. It’s “ballsy” though. Zac says there is too much going on, mesh tank tops, printing on those, kilt, slogan over the crotch, etc. Matthew I think maybe tries to say he’s too conceptual for this challenge. Nina tells them their team has creative and non-creative people and they haven’t balanced that yet.

Heidi is mad at Matthew because it’s not practical. I think if people produced “regular” clothes they’d be bored and complain about that. Nina says she’d rather see a kilt over James and his boring tank top and weird pants. Ben helped everyone but he made two pieces that both ended up in the bottom. Zac hates on Cindy’s jacket, but I don’t think it’s that bad. Susan claims she’s never seen a skort before. They like it but not the vest. Stanley had a good shirt but Zac doesn’t like dropped crotch pants. Joe and Richard had some good branding and they really like the harness for the net thing so I guess that’s been a problem.

Heidi tells Layana she wins. Eh. I guess it’s fine. Nothing really set my world on fire this week, you know? Team KIR all is in. Samantha, Michelle, Tu, Ben, and Matt are all in. Cindy’s blazer was dowdy, and James’s capri pants were terrible. Cindy is in. Good, I didn’t think her blazer was that bad. James is out. He says he should have taken control and he didn’t get the chance to show what he wanted. Tim comes to get him, and tells the Dream Team that everything on the runway was much better than what he saw in the workroom so they should be proud of that.

Next time: design for Heidi. BORING. Ben flails. Nina tells someone they have the worst construction they’ve seen. Zac wears a red velvet jacket and a floppy bow.  

Top Chef 1/30/13--"Chefs at Sea" summary

Previously on “Top Chef”: there was a sushi-making Quickfire, which Stefan won, impressive. Then Tom asked for fried chicken for himself and his chef friends. Apparently they wanted fried chicken, and not anything else. The secret requirement is bones. You have to leave it on the bone. Being creative is not allowed, lest the drunk judges mock you. Josh made fried chicken, so he won. Josie also actually did make fried chicken, but it was greasy and Tom I guess heard about what really happened at Restaurant Wars because he was DONE with her excuses and they sent her home. (click for more)

On Last Chance Kitchen…do I really need to tell you? OK, Kristen and Josie had to butcher a salmon and make ten identical plates. Josie overcooked her fish and went home. Like Tom would have let her win.

Oh, and last week when Wolfgang was making fun of them, he said “Top Chef? I wouldn’t even call it The Apprentice”. Which is probably accurate, because I doubt the Apprentices can cook anything.

Josh is glad to win, and also thinks it was about time Josie went home anyway. Brooke swears to not screw up anymore. Padma appears to tell them tomorrow they’ll be packing their bags to go on a cruise to Alaska. Nice. They’ll have to work, of course. But they don’t seem to care that much.

Back at the hotel they talk about memorable moments and how each person thinks they’ll win. Stefan says some weird thing about pants and then booze cruise? And how his mom drove him to an Army base and ditched him there. Ha! Brooke says she is afraid of boats. Boats? Anyway, her son also became afraid of boats, I guess, so she doesn’t want to mess him up.

They oo and ah over the boat (ship I guess) and it is pretty nice. Josh says nice things about everyone but Lizzie. Maybe he says something nice, but they cut that part out. Everyone drinks and hangs out because they know at any minute they’ll have to start working.

Somehow the kitchen on this ship is actually big. Curtis Stone! He has an unfortunate haircut but is otherwise cute. Quickfire is to cook for the “Welcome Aboard” party. 200 guests, 2 hours. It must contain iceberg lettuce. Stefan giggles at the joke, sort of, because “iceberg”, “ship”, get it? I didn’t get it either. Sheldon doesn’t like iceberg lettuce.

Lots of wandering around looking for things. Brooke is making a BLT with a scallop instead of tomato. What? You need tomato. Poor Lizzie is having trouble with the whole “the entire kitchen is electric” and also apparently all in metric. Sheldon is still complaining about the lettuce. Stefan wants to braise it. He wanders around because the outlet doesn’t work or something, and puts his stuff down on top of Lizzie’s. She’s pretty calm, but he of course makes a big deal about moving and being an asshat. Of course Josh is making bacon jam. Clearly. I keep seeing a box of Franzia out on the counter. Sheldon finally decides on lettuce wraps. He starts a fire because his sauce boils over. Lots of little tiny dishes. Frantic plating.

Stefan: braised iceberg lettuce, pastrami, fingerling potato, blue cheese sauce. Sheldon: Vietnamese lettuce wrap with pork, shrimp, and pickled iceberg hearts. Lizzie: iceberg salad with crispy bacon, shallots, and anchovy vinaigrette. Josh: iceberg roll with apple cider vinaigrette, bacon jam, and blue cheese. Brooke: iceberg wrap with bacon, scallop, caramelized onion, and crispy quinoa.

Side note: I’ve taken the ferry from Seattle to Alaska, and it really is that beautiful. Highly recommended. Curtis liked everything. Stefan did a good job cooking the lettuce, and Josh played it safe but it was elevated and he also did a great job. Sheldon had complex flavors. Brooke’s was hard to eat, kind of, and Lizzie maybe didn’t have a whole bite? Or something, it doesn’t matter, it’s the Quickfire. The winner is Sheldon. He will have some advantage in the Elimination. Everyone gets the rest of the day off, until dinner.

Sheldon and Lizzie go for manicures. Sheldon admits he loves manicures, because chefs have to take care of their hands. It’s true. I never get nail polish on my hands because it chips if I look at it wrong, but just the pampering is worth it. The other three drink and Stefan celebrates having booze and also lets us know he got laid on his first cruise. Thanks. The girl doing Sheldon’s hands is also from South Africa so she and Lizzie chat it up. She tells us how her dad just passed away and she’s still upset about it. Josh reveals that his wife is due today, and he hasn’t been able to talk to her to find out if the baby was born or anything. Then he ruins it by saying he wants to see Sheldon’s manicure and “I want to see if he’s a woman now”. Then in confessional he says where he’s from, men don’t get manicures. Then he winks? Is he supposed to be joking? He’s not joking. Asshat.

Dear Canada Dry, Richard Blais is not a ginger.

Everyone comes in for dinner and Brooke talks about how nice it is to have a nice dinner, but you know it won’t last. They get menus on tablets. There are lamps attached to the ceiling. It’s that kind of place. Brooke says something, and Josh corrects her. I guess he said that already. She’s all, oh, shit, that must have been when I stopped listening to you. Heh. Josh fires back by bringing up the fried chicken and asking how that worked out for her. Oh, burn. He’s still an asshat but I must give credit where credit is due. Brooke rubs it in that she’s won more challenges than Josh, which is true, so Josh turns on Stefan who gives him a look of death. Seriously, he’s pissed. They get on Josh for breakfast sushi. The food starts coming out, and it’s sushi lollipops, and shrimp in some dish with flashing lights, and a giant case with like 16 compartments. It seems contrived. Like, maybe the food is taking a backseat to gimmickry.

Padma and Curtis wait until dessert to come out, and then they sit down at the table. Tomorrow they’ll be running dinner service here. Heh. They’ll all be making surf and turf, but must “turn it on its head”. Stefan brags that he is awesome. Sheldon gets first pick of proteins, and then no one else can use those proteins. Nice. Josh bitches that he doesn’t make “whimsical, creative, kind of fun food”. Brooke teases Sheldon that he should pick weird things.

30 minutes to choose ingredients. Sheldon picks lobster tail and beef tenderloin. Stefan rolls his eyes, but I’m not sure why. It’s old, I guess. Stefan announces he has eel and pork belly, while Josh has pork belly and scallops (and bacon, obviously). Lizzie takes a whole pig. Brooke decides on frog legs and mussels. There’s literally a warehouse-sized storage facility to shop in. Sheldon says it remind him of working at Disneyworld. Next everyone runs to snag all the fun plates and whatnot.

2.5 hours. Lizzie breaks down the pig with skill and speed. She doesn’t want to screw up the scallops again. Josh wants to make pasta out of his scallops. Like making seafood noodles the way they do on Iron Chef. Brooke points out he doesn’t know how to do that. Stefan wants to braise the pork belly in beer, and then make eel ravioli. I love eel. Brooke hopes they accept frog legs as “turf”. Sheldon has steak and tempura lobster, and he’s second guessing himself. He and Brooke have an argument about how he doesn’t want to be known as the guy who always does Asian, so maybe he shouldn’t cook Asian food all the time, but he’s not this time, but Brooke says bullshit. I can’t tell if they’re joking or serious. Stefan’s pork looks burnt, but he says he likes his pork to be super crispy. Josh’s pasta has failed. It’s all liquid. Well, he put it in a pan, and on Iron Chef they put it in a bag and squeeze ribbons in a pot of water. Maybe that’s how he should be doing it.

Commercial interlude: everyone checks out the staterooms, which have balconies and are big. Everyone goes on the balcony and when Lizzie sort of flirts with Stefan by asking him what he’s doing in this part of town, he says he’s on a gay cruise and this is his boyfriend Sheldon. Then he asks Sheldon if he’s ready for sexy time. Hee.

More cooking. Josh is scrambling his scallop mixture now, to be like scrambled eggs. He’s making breakfast again. Hugh! Yay! There’s some people from Celebrity Cruises but I don’t care about them. Brooke has seven components, and she is really pushing it to get all her food done. Her plates are big stone looking plates with wells and a center well with a cover. Mussels and frog legs with celery root and fennel puree, poppadum and shallot chutney. The flavors are good, and it certainly looks impressive. It’s kind of greasy, though. I think overall they like it.

Stefan has palette plates with lots of wells and a big center area. Hugh says yesterday he saw a seal. Or a scuba diver. Hee. Braised pork belly with beer sauce, parsnip and eel ravioli. The sauce is in two vials you pour over it. Tom says the sauce is greasy looking, and then he puts the pork in his mouth and makes a face. Hugh makes one too. They don’t like the crunchy pork, but Curtis says that’s how his mom made it and it’s a cultural thing. Hugh tells him that’s great for him and his “strong fluoride teeth”. Hugh can’t taste any eel.

Josh’s dishes are basically a giant metal thing with cone shaped cups, at different heights. Like a big candlestick but with cups. I think maybe each cup is one serving? He tells the judges he wanted to make pasta, which I think maybe he shouldn’t do. Just let them think you did that on purpose. Scrambled scallops with braised pork belly and bacon. The scallops aren’t really strong but Tom likes the flavor. Hugh knows this is a real stretch for Josh.

Sheldon is pissed because his food is not inspiring him anymore and the tempura is salty. Everyone gets a metal pail and a bento box. Korean BBQ filet mignon, tempura lobster, sesame cabbage, kimchi and teriyaki sauce. The presentation is fun, but apparently tempura should go on the list with panna cotta and gratin. It has failed. Hugh says he could eat the kimchi all day though. The two proteins don’t go together. Uh oh.

Lizzie finds her steamer is off, so she doesn’t know if they’re done. She has to plate. Aww. Cabbage stuffed with suckling pig and scallops with mustard sour cream. It looks like dim sum, but the rolls fall apart and the cabbage isn’t cooked enough. Curtis says the scallop is overpowered but it’s still a good dish.

The judges talk about everyone’s dishes. Brooke and Josh did well. They argue over Lizzie and Stefan. No one seems happy with Sheldon.

Official Judges’ Table. Brooke pushed the “boundaries” of surf and turf. It was a good job although the poppadum were greasy. Sheldon says he wasn’t inspired by his ingredients. Tom nails him because he got to choose them, and Sheldon admits he knew he could execute them. Oo. Curtis would have sent it back. He was supposed to reimagine the dish. They like Josh’s scallops and they seemed to work well. They couldn’t taste Stefan’s eel and his sauce was really greasy. He also brings up the time limit (apparently they had to stop cooking, then do the last 45 minutes right before service). Hugh says they need to come up with dishes that will work in the time limit they’re given. Also they hate on the pork being crispy. Lizzie had a great idea, but it was undercooked and fell apart. Curtis says Brooke is the winner. Nice. She also gets a free cruise. Lizzie and Josh are also safe. Sheldon’s tempura was bad, and Stefan’s pork belly was too hard. Stefan is sent home. Ouch. He’s not happy, of course, but he is taking some inspiration. “See you in fucking Last Chance Kitchen, motherfuckers!” Oh, Stefan. Never change.

Next time: super fresh salmon, Josh is distracted, everyone looks worried.

Last Chance Kitchen: montage of Stefan saying things and being Stefan. Tom greets him outside, and then Kristen comes out, and Stefan is all “of course it is wifey!” Heh. Kristen really wants to beat him. Tom points out to Stefan he’s got a lot to overcome. Not so many successes this season. Today’s challenge is to cook offal. They only have 30 minutes, though, so they will have to choose wisely. Kristen goes for chicken liver, while Stefan seems to have a bunch of stuff. You guys, Kmanpat and I had chicken liver pop tarts last week. They were little tiny pastry bits like, the length of my thumb. But they were so good. I notice as Kristen takes a box of salt off the shelf there is a framed photo of Andy Cohen behind it. Shut up, Andy Cohen. There is some minor flirting. Kristen is adding pickled fruit to her dish. I miss the peanut gallery. Stefan thinks he has the edge because it’s cold outside and he has a hot dish while Kristen has a salad. She is pretty confident. Kristen: chicken livers with garlic and mustard caramel, pickled fruit and herb salad. Stefan: beuscherl of innards with cream sauce, bread galette, liver and parsley salad. It looks like a stew, maybe. Tom really likes them both but one is a little more balanced, and that is Kristen. Stefan says that Kristen shouldn’t have been kicked off so she deserves to be in the finale.

Project Runway 1/24/13--"There Is No I in Team" summary

Previously on Project Runway: You guys, I’ve been writing about “Project Runway” since last July. Last. July.

(click for more)

I’m tired. I am just tired of this show. Because you know what they might do, is right after this season ends they start another season of All Stars and then “Project Runway” is on Lifetime every single week. And New York Fashion Week starts two weeks from tonight. That means they will have FOURTEEN COLLECTIONS SHOWING. Out of sixteen. What the actual fuck. It’s just…no break, everyone gets to show at fashion week (unless there are multiple eliminations), no Kors, and teams. It is not sustainable.

The “Road to the Runway” is the same as last time, in that everyone talks about their lives and whatever hardships they’ve had and they’re all going to talk about them again later so I’ll watch it but I’m not recapping it. Why Laura Kathleen is a judge to pick out contestants I don’t know. But I don’t really care either. This is what happens, Lifetime. Fatigue. Some girl says she was a Mormon, and Mormons aren’t as conservative as everyone thinks, and she dated a member of Maroon Five but not Adam Levine so…like, what is the point then? One guy has a creepy cat obsession. I guess having this hour gives Zanna Roberts something to do.

OK. Actual show. Tim says best season ever, but he always says that. Every challenge is a team challenge. They try to claim this is because in the real world you always work with other people, but really they just want the drama. And I’m fine with drama. But I don’t want you to go out of your way to manufacture drama. Designers arrive at Parsons. Layana is Brazilian. Richard is from Sacramento, “The Other Fashion Capital”. Heh. No. Kate is a “lone wolf” but she knows how to delegate. So I guess she’ll be bossy. Michelle says she’s “thirty-fo-dorable!” Sigh. Daniel has a waxed hipster mustache. Why do people do that? James both drops his hat and trips upon walking in, so maybe he’ll injure himself. Emily works full time and then goes home and sews so she’s used to long hours. Remember that for later. Benjamin is from Australia and has very blond hair. Cindy is a funeral director. Really? Nice. I like it.

Heidi and Tim walk out. Well, they stand behind the scrim until everyone notices and then they walk out to applause. Heidi says there is only one winner, instead of saying only three will show at Fashion Week, because we all know that’s not happening. Then Heidi explains the teams thing. Samantha says it’s not that she’s not a team player, she just likes to be on her own team. Richard is all, “sad face”, and at the moment he’s funny but I wonder if his shtick will get old. Right now they’re being divided into two teams of eight. Daniel, Amanda, Layana, Richard, Patricia, Joe, Stanley, and Kate will be one team. That means the other team is Benjamin, Cindy, Emily, James, Matthew, Michelle, Samantha, and Tu. Benjamin thinks his team is cutting edge, but Emily doesn’t think she has anything in common with her team.

The first challenge is to “make a garment that shows us who you are as a designer, with the input of your team to guide you.” Someone you are supposed to know everyone’s strengths and whatever. There’s a winning team and a losing team, but only one winner and one loser. Inspiration is New York City. However Daniel’s team will go out on the Hudson on a boat, to look “from afar”. The other team will go up to the roof of the apartments and look “from above”.  That’s not such a bad set of rules.

Up on the roof everyone drinks champagne and talks about how being on top is already winning. The boat team names their team “Team Keepin’ it Real”. Stanley says he’s a costumer and he tells everyone he has no weaknesses. They get champagne on the boat also. James says he was always told he’d make it. He talks a lot. Patricia is a Native American and she yells? I don’t know. Everyone is nice to each other so far.

Eventually everyone moves into the apartments. Amanda and Michelle are friends after an hour or whatever. Amanda knew it would happen. Michelle is already kind of freaking out. The non-boat team is apparently the “Dream Team”. Team KIR and Dream Team.

The workroom at Parsons is super crowded. Each team is on one side, but it looks very cramped. Cindy always dreamed of doing this and she sounds like maybe she’s already crying. Tim comes to greet them and gets cheers. Lots of product placement and branding of rooms and accessory walls. Tim gushes about the teams again. I notice they are mentioning how awesome teams are at every chance. Each team is getting $1200, which is $150 per person. However if they feel like dividing it up differently they can. One day to sew. Benjamin is a perfectionist so time management may be a problem.

Kate thinks each person should spend whatever they want, and then they’ll pool the leftovers and ask who needs more. She just wants to spend a lot. No one shoots her down yet. Benjamin seems to be taking the lead, but no one minds. Richard talks about a day-to-evening dress. Cindy loves architecture. You’ll notice that while somehow the designers will be judged on if they listen to their teammates, they are ultimately making something that showcases themselves. Each team of eight will have eight random designs. They don’t have to go together at all. So how is that like the real world again? Exactly.

Patricia is painting squares on her fabric. It looks cool, actually. Layana thinks it is too crafty. Emily worries about time. I guess your stuff doesn’t have to match anyone else’s, but if your teammates suck, then you’re up for elimination. Daniel says his teammates are weak in construction. The Dream Team seems to be working more solo, while Team KIR has a couple people leading and more collaboration.

Eight hours left, and it’s Tim Time! Tim is here to moderate, participate, and facilitate. Heh. There is good feedback happening here, on the Dream Team. James doesn’t really like his feedback, but he wants to be a team player. Emily is getting nervous. She may not have time to make her jacket. Kate’s team tells her to ditch the sleeves, but she’s not happy about it because she doesn’t give a shit about them. Just Tim. He agrees though. They actually applaud Layana. Patricia has slashes.

Back to work. Michelle is nervous for her team. Model fitting. Daniel already has his jacket and pants on the mannequin. Emily has nothing but muslin. Her team kind of freaks because they’ll have to help her, and if she fails they’ll all fail.

Day of the runway. Michelle doesn’t know if she wants to help Emily, and Cindy says they do have to weed out the herd. When they get to Parsons, though, Cindy offers to help her. Emily says she won’t judge again, I guess because she thought Cindy was a lame old lady. Tim gives them two hours. Hot makeup guy Scott. I notice that when he is Laura Mercier he gets a name, but when he is L’Oreal he has no name. That’s not very nice, L’Oreal. Emily hopes the rest of her team is so awesome they’ll win.

Heidi is wearing a sheer shirt. Tacky. Zac Posen has replaced Kors, but thank God Nina is still here. Guest judge is Christian. Team KIR is up first. Stanley: dark slate blue jumpsuit, sleeveless with a collar. It’s kind of shiny metallic but it’s cool and looks well-sewn. Kate: heather gray sheath dress with some piping along the neckline and around her chest. It makes an X. Nice. Richard: asymmetric dress, with one arm, and a diagonal wide gray stripe in the middle of black. The side opposite the arm is slightly longer and that arm has a split sleeve? There is some draping. Interesting anyway. Patricia: short shift dress, kind of blocky, with the print looking like angles and corners. The print is good, but I don’t like how blocky it is, really. Amanda: dark blue tank top with a long tail on one side, and grey skinny pants with some darker gray inset blocks on her hip. Layana: pretty short black dress. That’s it. The neckline is kind of pointy and the back is all laced up but it’s not very exciting. And bright pink shoes. Joe: the dress is made up of long rectangles of different lengths, all pleated in box pleats. So part of the dress is knee length and part is longer, and it’s pretty loose. I don’t know if I like it. Daniel: black suit, crop pants and a big peplum. A deep V neckline and sleeves. The pants are tight but they aren’t skin tight so they maybe should be.

Dream Team. Matthew: white sleeveless button down top with a string tie, and a wide stiff skirt like a bell, in a gray diamond print. Samantha: I think the dress is very dark blue, with some chiffon on top of the short skirt so it waves around. The neckline has some chevrons and sheer pieces and there is a lot of movement but why hot pink shoes? Tu: short skirt, about mid-thigh, and a crop jacket (so exposed midriff). The jacket has a zipper and wide sleeves, and then the back of the outfit is all black while the front is white. James: white tank top with some folding at the neck, and a black skirt with an inset pink triangle on one side. Eh. Emily: very short black skirt, and a weird metallic silver and black top that shows some skin, and then it looks like she took some chiffon and stapled pleats into it and put it on her model’s shoulders. It’s pretty bad. Benjamin: gray and beige dress with a mullet hem. It looks like he took rectangles of fabric and tacked them onto the dress so they hang loosely. The top is sheer from just above her boobs up and there’s some weird thing at her shoulder. Cindy: long sleeveless dress in a weird cheetah print. Like, it’s sort of cheetah and sort of blue with spots. Then there’s a belt with red and white checks. I’m not sure. Michelle: short black dress (she says it’s waxed denim) in a simple dress with a fuller skirt. It looks like the skirt is lined in a light blue, you can see it in front, and then straps criss crossing over her chest and a big pouch.

Heidi does not waste time and says Team KIR wins. First up is the top three from this team, Daniel, Richard, and Patricia. Back in the Scrap Bin, they talk about how they don’t disagree with the judges and how maybe someone who has a decent score will go home because a total failure was saved by their teammates. So while they talk to the top three, everyone else has to stand there too. Daniel was inspired by the shapes of buildings. They love the shape of his suit and that it’s very well made. Christian says the neckline is subtle but beautiful. It is a nice narrow V with a little curve to it. Richard thought of gray, for concrete. The asymmetrical aspect of it, is why everyone loved it. It’s different. He says he was going to do bindings or something, and his team told him to tone it down. Good choice. Patricia reveals that under each “corner” of her print, she’s cut the fabric and there is cobalt blue underneath. Neat! I like the peeking. Heidi cuts her off because she talks too much. They like the hand work, but Zac wants another shape. Nina knows it should be a simple shape though.

Dream Team. Bottom three are James, Cindy, and Emily. James wanted to colorblock his plain white tank top, but he says the team told him that was too simple. Too simple? So there’s some detail instead? I guess some pleating. It’s boring. Heidi rubs it in that Tu and Benjamin had great outfits but they couldn’t win. Emily tries to describe what she was going to make, if she had had time. Christian is nice and says he almost sees what she was doing. When she takes off the sheer drape thing, the top is like, a bib. Nina says in all eleven seasons she’s never seen such an unfinished garment on the runway. Ouch. She wonders why no one leant Emily fabric, and Michelle is like, we did help her, she had nothing before, this is an improvement. Cindy says her cheetah print reminded her of the colors of the city. The team actually stands behind her and says they wanted the dress so you could see all the print. The patterns don’t go and there’s nothing “New York” about it. Zac can’t tell who she is as a designer, and Cindy says this is not her. Nina tells the team that the low scores were so low they pulled down some good designers.

Heidi talks about how great teams are, again, like WE GET IT. The more you talk about how great it is, the worse I think it is. Patricia actually manipulated the fabric and they really like that. She has a strong point of view. Daniel was interesting and of the moment. Richard’s dress was versatile and Christian says sometimes a flowing gown is harder than a structured piece. James was boring and his top was just bad. Cindy wasn’t inspired by the city and her dress was just bad anyway. Emily…well clearly Emily did not do well. Nina tries to bring up how her team told them they all think Emily has potential, while the other two were boring.

Daniel is the winner. He’s thrilled. So of course Patricia and Richard are in. James is in. Cindy is in. Huh. Well, clearly Emily should be out, but I did wonder when they tried to bring up how she has potential. Poor thing, she’s crying. First one out is hard, but she didn’t make anything. She has a lot to think about.

This season: Paris? OK. Plenty of drama and fighting. Half naked men. Bette Midler! No good sound bites. And a duck. Seriously that’s what I got from that series of clips. Fighting, Bette Midler, and a duck.